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October 29 2017





Years ago, you promised your firstborn to a witch. Since then, despite your best efforts, you can’t seem to get laid. The witch is starting to get pretty pissed.

Y’all get together to discuss your options and she starts coaching you on how to get men because she doesn’t want to waste more magic on you without promise of payment. The more time you guys spend together the more you realize you have a bit of a crush on her. Soon you’re sabotaging your dates on purpose to see her again. 

Long story short you fall in love and get married and do the sperm donor thing AND YOUR FIRSTBORN IS HERS BY DEFAULT and you live happily ever after. The end.

Baby cries in the middle of the night

Witch: Ughhhhh. It’s your turn.

You: You bought it. You handle it.

That is what I call a fairy tale ending.

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being gay before the invention of lube must have been a pain in the ass

according to my history professor this is actually a huge contributing factor to the popularity of olive oil in Ancient Greece

this is the best possible thing that i will ever learn and i thank you for that

The people of Ancient Greece loved that ancient grease

I am begrudgingly reblogging this for the first time in like four urls for this, the first comment on this post to actually make me laugh in literally years

There’s a quote in a letter from some poor Roman stationed out in like, fucking Ukraine, basically saying it’s the worst place to live in the entire world because they grow neither olives nor grapes.

No lube and no wine. WHY EVEN BE ALIVE


This Hamilton HIV AU scam thing is truly scaring me so I just want to make somethings VERY clear:

1. Please please PLEASE be aware that an author does not have to experience any particular facet or aspect they wrote about in a fic. Do not consider us experts blindly. Research. Even if an author tells you that they are knowledgeable about something, do yoir own research. Find out about things on your own. Of course, there is a prevalent possibility of some authors taking things from their actual experience to write but it isn’t a staple. It isn’t a necessity. Research is something important and something you should do.

2. I know that people could be extremely wise and capable of giving advice but again, if you can contact actual professionals for help on something important or if you can read up on validated and credible material, PLEASE use them instead of asking random advice to people here. Yes, they might be nice and friendly but they still aren’t always capable of helping you the way you need.

3. CHECK THE SOURCES OF A DONATION BEFORE YOU DO IT. Be compassionate and help, that’s amazing, but please also check to be sure.

4. Fanfics are fanfics. Stories. Don’t let yourself be manipulated by them or incite negative things because of them.

5. Don’t always follow a crowd. Please. Trust your instincts and don’t follow every crowd.



the only person who is allowed to poke my stomach is my cat because he’s a very important baker who has biscuits to make

Here’s an important baker right here

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my utopia

The drag queen from this photo has spoken up about the photo.

I won’t speak for all liberals, but I’d like to see a future where it isn’t a big deal for a woman in full modesty garb to sit next to a drag queen in NYC. It’s become a bit of a sensation, but her and I were just existing. The freedom to simply be yourself in a sea of people who aren’t like you is a freedom we all deserve.

The central irony is that this isn’t some hypothetical future–it’s just present day reality. This is a picture of two ordinary people going about their normal lives despite how haters want to politicize it lmao. So the underlying message is not “future liberals want” it’s “people conservatives want to eradicate”

the underlying message is not “future liberals want” it’s “people conservatives want to eradicate”

October 25 2017







some dudes like to talk a big game about how comedy suffers when people are afraid to offend but man, Mitch Hedberg was a white dude working in the era of peak offensive edgelord and his shit holds the fuck up so while most comedians will never come up with anything as timeless as “if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up” they could at least make an effort

  • Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? “Prices and participation may vary.” I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say “Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets! We are not affiliated with that clown.”
  • Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
  • I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fuckin’ complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination! Good luck, fucker! That last payment must be made in wampum!
  • Hey, if you wanna talk to me after the show, I’ll be… fuckin’ surprised.
  • This shirt is “dry-clean only”… Which means it’s dirty.
  • One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… What’s it look like? ”
  • An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
  • I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”
  • When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say “All right you’re a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy, but it’s not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said “All right you’re a cook… can you farm?”

- “Rice is great when you’re you’re hungry and you want 10,000 of something”

- “Tennis is depressing because no matter how good you get, you will never be as good as a wall”

- “I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it”

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We’re in 2017 but The Class of 2018 in 3018





How come you feel it more at night

Because you been holding it in all day

Wtf y’all talmbout


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old mcdonald had a farm


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Achieve your dreams!

A Mimikyu print I’ve finished recently!

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I’d just like to say, I’ve had a great run on tumblr. Many years put into this website making jokes, many hundreds of thousands of followers laughing at me and it’s all ruined because of this post in particular. Goodbye forever, tumblr. And when the rapture comes, none of you are going to heaven 

every single day that i patron this website, the shock value of human centipede decreases by a factor of 10

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Finn Wolfhard dragging James Charles on twitter

IT was amazing

James Charles is just mad that he didn’t get cast as Pennywise 

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heteros explain this

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